The first wonder of the Met Ball: I have gone at least five years of being consciously aware of its existence without realising it’s a fundraiser and premiere of a collection at the Met – this year, Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology – rather than just an arbitrarily themed celebrity fashion showdown. Who knew? Anyway, for seven more wonders of this year’s ball, read on!

Beyoncé

Did you know latex puff sleeves were physically possible? Were they reified solely by their proximity to the Queen, only to recede back into nonexistence once removed from her touch? Regardless, Beyoncé in Givenchy – plus 100 carats of Lorraine Schwartz jewels – made no concessions to her fellow mere mortal attendees, arriving in full goddess status as ever. And speaking of superlatively stylish Knowles sisters…

Solange

I’ll admit: I had extra time to digest the perfection of Solange’s layered pleats, because I started refreshing her Instagram at least 12 hours before the event started. Combining sunshine yellow, latex leggings, lucite heels and tinsel-silver eyes, Solange proved herself incapable of disappointing once again (take a gander at her after party geometric sweatsuit too, and then pen a mid-year resolutions list that begins and ends with ‘1. Be more Solange’).

Taylor Swift

Remember your last drastic image change? Speaking entirely hypothetically and not remotely from personal experience, perhaps you too dabbled in grungy lipstick and tousled hair, and also wore a lot of fishnets and told everyone you listened to emo even though no one asked or cared? Here, Taylor successfully pulls off the goth lipstick reinvention in silver snakeskin Calvin Klein (and very much adheres to the Manus x Machina theme). I – hypothetically speaking – did not.

Karlie Kloss

And now for Taylor’s BFF: Karlie Kloss’s striking, razor sharp Brandon Maxwell gown brings to mind the elastic belts that ballet students across the land are forced to endure over their leotards, cutting off circulation with every forwards port de bras. Not that Karlie, who looks flawless, would ever have had this problem. I bet Karlie got distinctions in all her ballet exams. I bet Karlie can triple pirouette. Fine, Karlie, you’re physical perfection, WE GET IT.

Lupita Nyong’o

Perhaps next year’s theme should just be ‘Lupita Nyong’o Astounds In Green And Also Other Celebrities May Attend But Should Understand They Are Superfluous’. Remember the flapper-inspired emerald Prada ensemble she sported to 2014’s event? This year, it’s Matrix-inspired mint Calvin Klein sequins and a sculptural hair-do, plus an exemplary cat-eye that should not be overlooked. Add a diaphanous train, and Lupita hits regal perfection.

Tavi Gevinson

Newly-20-but-eternal-teen-dream Tavi Gevinson’s Coach 1941 number blends patterns and ruffles and sheer texture to chicly understated effect. And that pristine makeup look – warm eyes, blood red lips, slicked hair – is one I shall be immediately copying with little to no success. Tavi often induces the odd twinge of inferiority in my bitter, jealous heart, since she’s achieved so much so young whilst I’m increasingly concerned I peaked at age nine. This ensemble, Tavi? It’s not helping.

COUPLES

I post these couples – though personally impressive in their own right as they are (special mention to FKA Twigs’ harness-style gown, in which she looks like Star Wars-universe royalty) – as a warning to millennials out there contemplating procreation. Look at these six genetically blessed individuals, and then consider those genes potentially combining and multiplying (I have a very hazy grasp on genetics), and then just imagine those terrifyingly beautiful and stylish children. Give up, prospective parents. Just get a puppy.