Revered movie critic Roger Ebert passed away yesterday. So just what has the world of film criticism lost? Well, take a look at YouTube…
Roger Ebert: a man who could eviscerate or elevate the status of a newly released film with a well-turned phrase. Through his decades-long career as film critic at the Chicago Sun-Times, he guided the public through the hall of aesthetic horrors more commonly known as your local cinema multiplex – and all with the wit and panache that won him a Pulitzer Prize in 1975 (a first for a movie critic).
Here, we compare quotes from some of Ebert’s best reviews next to their modern-day equivalent, the YouTube comment section. Let’s just say, we won’t be seeing another Ebert anytime soon. We’ll miss you, man.
1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
“If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.”
2. Battlefield Earth
“Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way.”
3. Sex and the City 2
“Some of these people make my skin crawl.”
4. Resident Evil: Apocalypse
“Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children.”
5. Spice World
“Spice World is obviously intended as a ripoff of A Hard Day’s Night which gave The Beatles to the movies…the huge difference, of course, is that the Beatles were talented — while, let’s face it, the Spice Girls could be duplicated by any five women under the age of 30 standing in line at Dunkin’ Donuts.”
6. Godzilla
“Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter’s Basilica.”
7. The Village
“To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It’s a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It’s so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don’t know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we’re back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets.”
8. Constantine
“The forces of hell manifest themselves in many ways. One victim is eaten by flies. A young girl is possessed by a devil, and Constantine shouts, “I need a mirror! Now! At least three feet high!” He can capture the demon in the mirror and throw it out the window, see, although you wonder why supernatural beings would have such low-tech security holes.”
9. Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
“To say that George Lucas cannot write a love scene is an understatement; greeting cards have expressed more passion.”
10. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
“Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo makes a living prostituting himself. How much he charges I’m not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie. Deuce Bigalow is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience.”
11. Catwoman
“She becomes Catwoman, but what is a catwoman? She can leap like a cat, strut around on top of her furniture, survive great falls and hiss. Berry looks great doing these things, and spends a lot of time on all fours, inspiring our almost unseemly gratitude for her cleavage. She gobbles down tuna and sushi. Her eyes have vertical pupils instead of round ones. She sleeps on a shelf. The movie doesn’t get into the litter box situation. What does she think about all of this?”
12. The Brown Bunny
“I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny.”
