You’ve exhausted the newest Mariah Carey video for All I Want For Christmas and there’s only so many times you can listen to Justin Bieber’s Drummer Boy until your ears begin bleeding. So grab Christmas by the jingle bells and hark to our list of the weirdest, craziest and most unlikely Yuletide carols.
1. DMX spits Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer
There’s something slightly intimidating about one of the most aggressive rappers in the world singing about Rudolph. It’s like a feral bear rolling in from the cold, roaring “COME ON! RUDOLPH! YOU’LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY! WHAT!” at you. This is Santa Claus going straight to the ghetto (with an AK-47 hidden underneath his coat).
2. Bob Dylan goes Creepy Claus in Must be Santa
Do you know what the opposite of Santa is? A grizzled 71-year-old man with flat-ironed hair and a white top hat, intoning “Must be Santa. Must be Santa. Must be Santa” while frenzied holidaymakers dance in wild abandon around him. They’re not dancing out of joy, kids. They’re dancing because the scary man told them to.
3. New Kids On The Block wish you a Funky, Funky Christmas
Remember those halcyon days in the 90s when Will Smith’s Summertime had just come out and white boys all over the world paused to think: “Hey, that’s pretty cool?” Welcome to NKOTB’s Christmas take. True to boyband form, someone even gets his top off – there’s more skin on show than when your Uncle Jimmy drank too much brandy and passed out with his pants down on the toilet!
4. John Waters gets weird with Here Comes Fatty Claus (with His Big Bag of Shit)
In 2004, king of gross-out surrealism John Waters curated an album of his favourite Christmas jingles. Among the chosen few? The angelic ditty Santa Claus Is A Black Man as well as the seasonal classic, Fat Daddy. But Here Comes Fatty Claus is our favourite – it is presented here for your delectation, accompanied by images of John Prescott. Don’t ask. Just enjoy.
5. Afroman loves the green stuff in O Chronic Tree
And we’re not talking about pine needles here. As much as we can turn our noses up at Afroman’s weed opus Cuz I Got High, we can’t deny it: Christmas dinner with the relatives would be much easier to bear if everyone was stoned off their faces.
6. Doctor Octoroc harks the herald 8-bit angels with We Three Konami
Imagine if Christmas was a video game: you’d get extra points for eating leftovers, your evil Aunt Ingrid (“You’re looking very healthy – have you gained weight since last year?”) would be the boss monster, and in a bonus stage you could win points for successfully hiding your smoking habit from your parents. And the entire thing would be soundtracked by this. Beautiful.
7. Lady Gaga gets all lit up in Christmas Tree
Before Gaga went all Piano Man/Tony Bennett in her current reincarnation, she was a filthy electro-clash Christmas slag who would tongue kiss you under the mistletoe (and throw in a grope for good measure). Don’t believe us? Just listen to this very, very early Yuletide track. All together now: “Ho ho, my Christmas/ My Christmas tree’s delicious”.