Michelle Ma Belle

Onscreen, Michelle Williams has a girl-next-door familiarity about her. It’s what bagged her the launchpad role of Jen in Dawson’s Creek. And made her perfect casting for her Oscar-nominated turn as spurned wife in Brokeback Mountain. Off-camera, though, 27-year-old Williams is a complex character. Shy and insecure, she is also fiercely independent and has been since, aged 15, she obtained ‘financial emancipation’ from herparents. Recently separated fromBrokeback co-star and the father of her three-year-old daughter, the late Heath Ledger - who died after this interview took place - Williams is busy putting her house and head back in order. So, what’s a girl who’s happy folding laundry at home in Brooklyn doing at the top of Hollywood’s hotlist? Ben Cobb calls to find out...

How are you this morning?

I’m trying to wake up. My brain doesn’t quite function until late afternoon. I just dropped my daughter Matilda off at school and now I’m tidying up the house, drinking coffee and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

Is it hard balancing your work with your daughter?

It’s not easy. Last April I was over in London doing a movie called Incendiary with Ewan McGregor. It’s about a woman grieving after losing her husband and son in a terrorist attack. It was a brutal role and arduous: six-day weeks, 14 hour-days. I was like the walking dead towards the end. Matilda would visit me everyday on-set for lunch and I’d race home to put her to bed. My only days off were Sundays and as much as I’d want to pass out, I’d try to take her out somewhere fun so she didn’t associate me with boredom. The only time that is really my own these days is after I’ve put her to bed and until I go to bed. That’s about two hours.

You made another film with Ewan McGregor just before Incendiary…

Yeah, The Tourist. That’s about a sex club for high-powered people who don’t have time for relationships. I play a femme fatale, which was a new experience for me. It’s the highest concept, highest budget film I’ve ever been involved in.

Is it any different working on a big film?

The fears remain the same. The day-in day-out questions - ‘What am I doing?’ and ‘How am I doing it?’ - they never change. The catering was better, which does make a big difference.

Which actors do you look up to?

I worked with some of them recently on Charlie Kaufman’s film Synecdoche, New York. The story involves a few women orbiting around Philip Seymour Hoffman. I play one of his wives, an actress. On my second day of shooting I did this scene where I’m performing the last speech from Death of a Salesman. I had to do it in front of Jennifer Jason Leigh, Catherine Keener and Philip Seymour Hoffman. I was so terrified. I mean I’ve had nightmares like that where I go on stage and Philip Seymour Hoffman is watching.

You started acting as a child in Community Theatre…

Yes, but I didn’t do any serious stuff. It was all musicals like Annie and Wizard of Oz. I was always in the chorus. But now I just sing lullabies. I’d really like to be part of a troupe like that again. There are enough actors living in my Brooklyn neigbourhood to start one.

“I have insecurity masquerading as vanity. I don’t think I’m vain as anactress but I’m probably more so as a person. Again it goes back to that thing about when I’m working is the only time when I don’t judge myself. I feel totally open to exploring all the sides of my physical self in my work. While I’m working I really don’t give a fuck how I look. Afterwards, if I have to watch it, I might have some problems”

Why did you get ‘financial emancipation’ from your parents when you were 15 years old?

We were living in San Diego at that point and I’d had bit-part acting jobs on and off. There were other kids around me who were making commercials and going to Los Angeles for auditions. The idea was that I could get more and better jobs if I became emancipated because then you don’t need a social worker and you can work longer hours. My dad is very work-oriented and I think I picked up on that. It was for practical reasons but as a parent myself now, it’s hard for me to understand. I don’t think that I would let my own daughter do that. I’ve always been strong-willed. It served me well.

Are you a workaholic?

Sometimes I wonder but I’m very happy at home just reading a book or pottering about. I love domestic life. I’m really my mother’s daughter. I like needlepoint, folding laundry and baking bread. I can be happy doing that stuff for a long time. But right now the work is so good and the opportunities are so remarkable - they’re what I’ve always hoped for - that it’s hard to pass up. You always wonder how long the good roles will keep coming.

Were you ready for the fame that came with Dawson’s Creek?

We were all living in North Carolina and so we were really insulated from it. Also the media culture now is so different from what it was even five years ago when Dawson’s Creek ended. People weren’t paying attention to who we were dating, what we were wearing or drinking. We were pretty much left alone. We got off scot-free because if the paparazzi had come down then there certainly would have been things to talk about.

Was it hard doing all your growing up
on TV?

I was 16 when I started. It’s a strange record to have of those awkward years. It was a very important time for my personal development. When I came onto that show I didn’t have any taste or values. Doing that show gave me self-esteem and my work ethic. But, weirdly enough, it also gave me some privacy to develop my ideas about who I was as an actress and what I did and did not want to do.

Did you go to Katie Holmes’ wedding?

Everybody wants to know that. No, I didn’t go because I was working on The Tourist. To be honest, we’re not really in touch.

Were your choices after Dawson’s Creek reactionary?

Yes and that’s what I mean about Dawson’s Creek allowing me to develop my taste because I began to realise that my taste was in contradiction to what I was doing every single day. Don’t get me wrong, it was great in the beginning and I was grateful but towards the end the quality started to diminish. It can be frustrating when you’re changing but your work doesn’t change with you. Going naked in the off-Broadway play Killer Joe was probably a reaction to Dawson’s Creek. I was so fucking thrilled when I read that play. But I’m not a huge reactionary. I don’t really move in opposition to things or people, I move in an internal place. I don’t reflect on my choices after Dawson’s Creek as being born out of just rebellion because they still feel in line with me.

How old were you when you wrote the script Blink?

I was about 17 years old. I wrote it with a couple of actress friends of mine. The three of us were unhappy with the roles
we were getting offered. It was a way to get some control back in our lives. We sold it and worked on it for a long time. The fact that it never got made didn’t bother me because it filled me up for a time when I didn’t have anything else. For me, it served its purpose. Actually, that probably more than anything was a reaction to Dawson’s Creek. It was about three prostitutes in a brothel.

You shared a room with Christina Ricci while shooting Prozac Nation… What was an average night-in with you two like?

There weren’t a lot of nights in. I was about 19. We were wild. I’m so glad I had those times before I had a child. We were both in dark places and thankfully had each other to go through it with. Luckily it was shot in Canada so we could drink legally.

Following Brokeback Mountain, your old headmaster voiced some anti-gay views in the press… Were you surprised?

I was more disappointed. It didn’t bother me what my old headmaster said. I never really liked him much anyway. It wasn’t a stab in the back or anything. There are always going to be people with contrary opinions but I’m awfully proud of the film.

Do you act to get attention or to disappear into a role?

It’s a generalisation but actors are either extroverts or introverts, it’s true. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about why I act because I think of myself as more of an introvert. I embarrass easily. I have such problems with people looking at me. So I think, ‘Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do something so public?’ But I never expected it to be this public. It does seem like a funny choice for somebody who doesn’t really like attention.

You stripped off on stage for Killer Joe and on the big screen for Brokeback Mountain… How does that work if you’re so easily embarrassed?

There’s a strange and curious spell that happens between ‘Action!’ and ‘Cut!’ For some reason the time that I’m working is the only time when I can exist completely without judgement. That judgement exists right up until a take and immediately after a take. But it’s glorious in the moment of work because I’m not questioning it so it doesn’t make it that difficult while it’s happening. It’s like nirvana. When it’s good, that is.

Do you get recognised a lot when you’re out and about?

It depends. There are places that just aren’t good to go like SoHo on the weekend. I have to say it’s suddenly got a lot easier like in the last couple of months. It’s really quietened down.

Why is that?

When you’re in a relationship with somebody who is also a public personality then it doubles the attention from the media. When you minus that equation it’s just less enticing. That’s been a real bonus. It’s the plus side of the break-up for me. It was so pervading, it got bad there for a while. Every time I walk out of the door I still worry. That’s what is so silly about it: even if the paparazzi aren’t there, you wonder if they are. I’m not good at that stuff. I need to get better at it. It really used to affect me.

“I don’t really have a concept of my 30s. Obviously so much has changed for me in the last few months that I don’t really have an idea of what my life is going to be. I thought I knew certain things and it turned out that I didn’t so I don’t really try and anticipate so much anymore. I’m not making any bets on the future. I feel like I’m just starting to catch up to my age. 27 years old sounds about right now”

Who do you go up against most for roles?

I used to have a concept of that when I was auditioning. I’d see the same girls all the time. Now I’m at a point where I don’t really do that anymore. It’s more private. There’s a whole code of secrecy around it and you don’t know who else they’re talking to. You also don’t want to know. Part of me would be tempted to ask and I can imagine in my mind that would do some damage. I’d think, ‘Oh, that person really is right for it’.

Are you your hardest critic?

I can’t imagine anyone being more difficult on me than I am. It’s almost a problem. Half of my work I’ve seen and half of it I haven’t. I’m just not mature enough to watch it and be critical but fair. Whenever I watch something that I’ve done, I remember the day that I made it, what it felt like to be inside my body and the insecurities about my thought process. I can’t quite suspend my disbelief. I did love seeing the Bob Dylan movie I’m Not There because I think that my part in it is small enough so I can watch it without being too consumed by personal recriminations.

Would you describe yourself as vain?

I have insecurity masquerading as vanity. I don’t think I’m vain as an actress but I’m probably more so as a person. Again, it goes back to that thing about when I’m working is the only time when I don’t judge myself. I feel totally open to exploring all the sides of my physical self in my work. While I’m working I really don’t give a fuck how I look. Afterwards, if I have to watch it, I might have some problems.

Last year People magazine voted you in the top 100 most beautiful people and in 1999 you were voted one of the 21 hottest stars under 21… Do things like that mean anything to you?

I didn’t actually know about the most beautiful people thing. The positive comments and good feedback never really touches you. There can be 100 great reviews but you only listen to the one bad one. I can only absorb the negativity, which is a flaw. I wouldn’t recommend that approach.

How has becoming a mother changed you?

I feel like I didn’t have any relationship with my body before Matilda. Well I did, but it was just a bad one. After having my daughter I can’t judge myself in the same way. My body has done this totally miraculous but utterly ordinary thing. The downside is that my vocabulary has shrunk to the size of a pea. Since having a kid I just don’t have the same access to the world. I don’t see as many shows, I don’t go to many movies and I hardly read any books anymore. I’m lucky to make it through a book a month. So you start to develop in a much more non-verbal way, which can be so frustrating. Also there’s been a lot going on in my personal life and part of me is… I don’t know. I shouldn’t talk about it but it’s like I’m re-emerging back into the world or something.

What’s been the most extravagant thing you’ve ever bought?

Probably my house. Is that an extravagance? I used to collect rare books. My prized book is a really beautiful unbound Shakespeare, which never made it to the publishers. I used to buy them to commemorate a job but I haven’t done it in a while. I have a penchant for Victorian jewellery now so I’m always on eBay. I’ve had to cool down because it got out of hand. I was setting my alarm for three in the morning to bid.

What’s the day ahead hold for you?

I’m going to pick Matilda up from school at 11:30 and she’ll take a nap. I might join her because tonight I’m doing hospital rounds in preparation for the film Mammoth. It’s Lukas Moodysson’s first English language film. I play a New York City trauma surgeon so I’ve been trailing a doctor for a few months. We’re going to step it up tonight and go to Elmhurst hospital in Queens, which is a top-level trauma hospital. The whole experience has been such an eye-opener. The first time I did it, I had this weird sensation where I thought, ‘Oh fuck, I’ve missed my calling'. The sense of purpose made me wish I’d become a doctor.

What are you looking forward to in your 30s?

I don’t really have a concept of my 30s. Obviously so much has changed for me in the last few months that I don’t really have an idea of what my life is going to be. I thought I knew certain things and it turned out that I didn’t so I don’t really try and anticipate so much anymore. I’m not making any bets on the future. I feel like I’m just starting to catch up to my age. 27 years old sounds about right now. For a long time I didn’t really relate to my age because I was working so much when I was 16 and I had a child at 24. I always felt way too young for my situation. Now it’s starting to even out.